


"if one dude came back from the dead and didn't remember his s/o's that'd be fucked up right."

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Characters to be added, Other, Polyamory, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6317860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When he woke up, a hurricane had torn through his town in his sleep. A deep breath rose from his lips as his eyes glazed around his surroundings. Three weeks later, his poem was published in the local newspaper. A letter to his father, his father- who was his father? A month later, he was on a boat to America. He was bound to have a bright future, having his youth stolen from under him like a magician’s tablecloth."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. in which he remembers and forgets

**Author's Note:**

> I love being a filthy SINNER I am so terrible enjoy the suffering thanks also I will post backstory for their relationship soon okay cool

**1809**

When he woke up, a hurricane had torn through his town in his sleep. A deep breath rose from his lips as his eyes glazed around his surroundings. Three weeks later, his poem was published in the local newspaper. A letter to his father, his father- who was his father? A month later, he was on a boat to America. He was bound to have a bright future, having his youth stolen from under him like a magician’s tablecloth. 

Two months and one scholarship to Columbia later, he was enrolled in one of the country’s top schools, an immigrant from the bottom of the pit in the top percentage of the country.

Two years later in a bar, he met one Aaron Bishop. Three weeks after that, he met Gil Lloyd. Then, he laid eyes on John Layton. 

They clicked instantly, friends until the end. 

He and Bishop got along just fine, and soon he had graduated and was engaged to Elizabeth Schulz, the daughter of the New York senator, Philip Schulz..

He was struck with her the moment they met, in his sophomore year. They had their first date in his junior year, and they were engaged by graduation. 

Time passed quicker than he realized, and soon they had their first child, named Philip for her father. He was a lawyer, a hard-working one at that, knowing that he needed to impress whoever had brought him to America, even years later. 

Seven years after that, he secured his seat as a famed lawyer in New York City, and twelve years later, his son died.

He was distraught, after losing his best friend before that, John had never grown old enough to see his victories- to have his own victories. 

Elizabeth had told him it wasn’t his fault- but he never listened, he knew it was fault that both of them were dead. It was guilt- taking over his entire being.

He died three years later, aged forty-nine, at the hands of his first friend in the new world- Aaron Bishop. 

-

**1879**

When he was ten, his father left him, his mother, and his brother, all alone on that stupid tropical island. He was filled with sorrow, anger, and any other emotion. Mostly he wanted revenge, but he knew he would never get it. 

When he was twelve, his mother died from terminal cancer that the doctors on the island couldn’t cure. He and his brother moved in with their cousin, but their cousin died only six months after they moved in. 

After that, he bounced around from family to family in St. Croix, until he was stuck in with his late mother’s landlord- they had separated him and his brother. He befriended the young boy his age in the household- Edward. Everyone always told them they almost looked related, and they both shared many similar interests- both were fluent in french. 

When he was seventeen, a hurricane swept through his town, destroying everything in it’s wake. It devastated the town, leaving nothing behind. He was forced to write his way out, a thing that felt so familiar- but why?

He went to America when he was seventeen- and two years later met Alan Bright. He didn’t think much of the name feeling familiar, of the deja vu sense he got when they shook hands. 

He should have known the world could never be wide enough for the two of them. He knew the world could never be wide enough, nor would it ever be.

He met John Lorenzo in his class when he was in college, both of them young, scrappy, and both of them were like tarnished silver. They considered themselves damaged goods, and by others’ definitions, they were.

They were best friends, the pair of them. Soon Lafayette came along to join them, but they didn’t know it was him, they didn’t even know that they were rebels in a past life, fighting for the freedoms, fight for their rights to survive, speaking out against slavery.

They met Helios a few weeks after Lafayette waltzed into their lives. He had the same name, or close to it, still a tailor named after a greek legend, still someone willing to spy on anyone who steps in the way of their victories.

He didn’t meet his Eliza in that lifetime- he just met a miss Maria Lewis. 

-

**1948**

He realized, once it was his fifth lifetime that he had something to say- and he would stop at nothing to say it. He had a voice, and in this century he could scream the truth from the top of his lungs.

He always died after he realized who he was. No exceptions. Never could he live long enough to see his friends and family succeed. He never lived long enough, never. 

-

He woke up this time, it wasn’t anywhere new, the same hospital on a tropical island in the middle of the ocean. But this time, he knew who he was. 

The second his eyes opened to the bright white lights of the hospital, the memories flashed before his eyes.

_ His father leaving- his mother dying- his cousin committing suicide- the slaves- clerking- Edward- the hurricane. The hurricane destroyed everything in it’s wake, leaving nothing for the town to fall back on. Writing his way out, leaving behind that stupid island and making his way to the top ranks of American politics. Meeting Burr, meeting Laurens, Mulligan, the marquis de Lafayette- everything he knew in his life before. Yorktown. Eliza. Fighting next to Washington- being his right hand man. Laurens- he died in the crossfire. Philip- oh, Philip. He could never forgive himself for what happened to his son. And he remembered the duel. The fateful duel between him and his first friend.  _

_ In every life he’d had, he had died at the hands of Aaron Burr. He would fight his way out of it, screaming profanities, doing what it took to get to the top.  In every life, he fought with Jefferson and Madison. In every life, he fought next to Mulligan and Lafayette. In every life, Philip and John died for him.  _

He died on the operating table.

-

**1967**

Alexander could never win, he always lost to Burr, he always lost Philip and John, almost always lost his Eliza.

But maybe the next one would be different. He would just try to live as a normal resident, try and stay on St. Croix, keep his head down, listen to his father when he gave him directions, listen when they told him to keep his thoughts to himself. 

He never did what he was told. 

He did what he told himself he would never do, ever- and he ended it himself. 

-

**2016**

He had never had so long in between lives. 

He remembered waking up in a library- dazed from his sleep. A boy looked over his shoulder. 

“Hey, Alex! You okay?” The boy chirped over his shoulder. 

“Yeah, sorry. I just fell asleep.” 

“I know.” 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Alex asked the boy. 

“You need it. You never sleep, it drives Beth crazy.” 

“Sorry-”

‘Why haven’t you called me by my name yet since you woke up? You love saying my name.” The boy said, furrowing his brows. 

“Uh- I don’t really remember. I’m sorry- I just- I’m really dazed I guess.”

“It’s John.” The boy said.

“What?” Alex replied, confused.

“My name. It’s John. And that dude over there,” he pointed to the sleeping boy curled up in the corner. “Is Lafayette.” 

“I’m sorry I forgot.” He said softly.

“It’s not the only thing you forgot.” John whispered.

“What?” 

“Nothing.” John muttered, looking over at Lafayette.

-

**2016**

“I don’t think he remembers anything. I don’t think he remembers the Revolution, or Burr, or anything at all about his past lives. He looked confused when I mentioned Beth. Is he like this in every life?” John asked, running a hand through his hair. “He didn’t know my name. He didn’t know who you were. He didn’t know Beth.” 

“Give him time, John. He always remembers. Always.” Lafayette sighed. He looked over at his best friend, who didn’t know what to do- this was his first life where he knew who he was. 

“Will he really find out? If he gets his nose out of that stupid book he’s reading he mi- oh. Wait. The book might help. It’s  _ about  _ him.” 

“I tried to tell you that when he picked it up. But you argued with me. Remember, though. In past lives, he’s missed so much more. He’s missed you in every life- you can’t die for him this time. Let him fight for himself, John.” 

“I can’t. You know I can’t. I’m destined to die for him, I always do.” John sighed, and Lafayette shot him a look. 

“You don’t know that, mon ami.” 

“Yeah, I kinda do. Why else would I keep dying on him? Right when he needs me most?’ John asked, meeting Lafayette’s eyes. 

“John, don’t think that. Please don’t.” 

“But I do, Laf.” 

“I know. But he loves us all. He loves you and Beth more than anyone else.” 

“Laf, he just doesn’t remember. And from what I can tell, he doesn’t know who he is until he dies.” 

“John, have a little faith. He’ll come through.” 

A knock rang from the door, and Alex looked into the small dorm room. 

“Hey,” He smiled. 

“Hello!” Lafayette grinned back. 

“Hey, Beth’s gonna be over in a few minutes. Also we need to talk about a few things today.” John said, looking over at Alex. 

“Uh, sorry. I don’t wanna intrude on you and your girlfriend, but-” 

“She’s your girlfriend too.” John said plainly. 

“Oh. Um, yeah. Sorry. I don’t know what’s going on in my head like, at all. I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.” 

“I don’t know why I keep apologizing.” Alex admitted, looking over at John. 

“Hey, I’m gonna leave you two to it.” Lafayette said, looking over at the pair of them. 

“Okay, see you later, Laf.” John smiled over at Lafayette as he left the dorm room. 

-

**1943**

He remembered death so well. In every life, he had nightmares of death by the hands of another man. In every life, that’s how he died. 

He vaguely remembered the orphanage he grew up in in New York City. 

He remembered hearing stories from the other kids about Eliza Hamilton, the woman who had helped found it. He heard stories about her bravery after her husband had died. 

She died after fifty years of being a widow. 

He remembered something about her, something about her that nobody had told him. 

She liked being called Betsey.

-

**2016**

Alex looked over at John, entranced in the sea of freckles covering his boyfriend(?)’s face.

“Can you help me figure out what’s going on?” Alex asked.

“I can try.” John said, taking Alex’s hand in his. 

Beth walked in right as Alex leaned up against John and smiled over at her boyfriends. 

“This is Beth?” Alex asked John.

“Yeah.” John smiled back.

“What happened?” Beth asked, looking carefully at Alex.

“I don’t really know.” John confessed, looking over at Eliza.

“We’ll figure it out. In the meantime, movie night and cuddles.” John smiled.

Beth squished in between her boyfriends as the opening credits of Sweeney Todd came on screen.

Alex felt like he was home. 


	2. hey, that's kind of gay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was at that equal pay rally, right? And then I ran over you. With my bike. And you just laughed and made a joke about me hitting on you. And then you invited over to your apartment for coffee.” John laughed.  
> “Yeah, and then we met Beth a few months later. Weren’t we on our Valentine’s Day date? And we found her crying in the arcade at the bowling alley? And it was because she couldn’t win the stuffed animal from the claw machine because she was too drunk?” Alex recalled, leaning against the doorway.   
> “You got me the stuffed turtle.” Beth added, walking into the kitchen and leaning into Alex’s arms.  
> “Yeah. John was a little tipsy that night though, wasn’t he?” Alex giggled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello welcome to Sin City enjoy ur stay!

Beth looked over at John and Alex, watching how they seemed to fit into each other. 

Alex stifled a giggle at something John said, and Beth leaned into the two of them. 

“Okay, so we need to think about what we’re doing today. It’s Elizabeth Schuyler’s birthday, and since she was my namesake, I propose we go drinking.” Eliza grinned. 

“You  _ still  _ think you can drink me under the table?” John asked, looking over at Beth with a smirk. 

“I don’t really know how I feel about drinking tonight. I mean, drinking always sounds awesome. But I think I wanna stay home and read tonight.” Alex said. 

“Aw, come on, Fawcett. You love drinking us under the table.” John laughed. 

“I’m sorry.” Alex sighed. 

“It’s alright.” Beth said. “We can all stay in tonight and be gay.” John shot his partners a happy grin, and Alex frowned. 

“No, you guys go out. Don’t let me stop you guys from going out. I’ll stay in with Laf, that’d be nice.” Alex said, looking at Beth and John. 

“I suppose.” Beth said 

“You can come back to my apartment and sleep in my giant bed with me.” Alex suggested, and John grinned at him. 

“That sounds like a great idea. Betsey, you up for it?” John asked. 

“I think I’ll crash at Angie’s place tonight.” 

“Okay.” Alex smiled. 

-

Later that night Alex lay in his bed, nose stuck in his book as music blast from his speakers. A knock came from the door as he marked his page with a spare piece of scrap paper lying on his bed.

He looked over as a key turned in the lock and John stumbled in.

“Alex,” He grinned, and Alex smiled back over at him. 

“I’ve got something to tell you.” John slurred. Alex looked up at him. 

“Yeah? What is it?” Alex asked.

“It’s about your memories. And stuff. I guess. And I wanna tell you that I think I know why they’re gone. It’s because of who you are.” John rambled.

“You’re rambling, Laurens.” 

“M’tired.” John yawned, and crawled into the bed next to Alex.

“Night.” Alex sighed. 

He switched off his lamp and slid under the covers, falling asleep on John’s chest. 

-

Beth downed the water bottle, chugging it with the ibuprofen tablet she found on her nightstand when she woke up. 

She heard her sister in the kitchen, singing a song as she made breakfast.

She smiled, she never really got to spend much time with her sister anymore. 

She started splitting her time between John, Alex, and Hercules since school started and she had missed her siblings. 

Peggy was apparently staying with Angelica, and now that they Schuyler clan was back together, they’d be unstoppable- even if it were for a short time. 

Peggy knocked on the bedroom door, and they peeked their head around the corner.

“Beth! You’re up! Cool!” They grinned. 

“Morning.” She croaked in response.

Her sibling shot a smile her way and handed her a mug of coffee.

“On the house.” They smirked.

Her phone rang with a text beside her. 

**john <3: ** hey!i hope u got to angies well!!! i’ll see u soon(:

**BETH!:** yeah!!! I did!! <3 see u soon, love u!! 

**alex:** morning guys!((:

**BETH!:** morning lex :)

**john <3:** morning angelface

**alex:** joHn im blUSHin g

**john <3: ** i know! ur right next to me

**alex:** thats gay

She smiled down at her phone and Peggy grinned. 

“Ooh, talking to your boys.” They giggled, and Beth fell out of her bed at the sound of Angie’s laughter ringing from the kitchen. 

“Church is here.” Peggy explained, grimacing. 

“He isn’t that bad, Pegs.”Beth tried, attempting to ignore Peggy’s eye roll. 

“I beg to differ, Elizabeth.” 

“Don’t call me that.” Beth muttered, and Peggy took her hand. 

“Come on, let's go bother Angie and Church.” Peggy grinned at their sister. 

Beth got off the floor and took her sibling’s hand, standing up and following behind them. 

“Angelica!” She grinned as she enveloped her sister in a hug. 

“Eliza!” Angelica grinned. 

“And Peggy.” Their sibling added, joining their sisters in a hug. 

“The Schuyler Clan, back together.” Beth sighed into the hug. 

Angelica pulled away from the hug and looked at Beth. 

“Are John and Alex treating you well? You look worried.” She noted. 

“Um. Just something happened with Alex’s memories yesterday. John and I were trying to figure out what happened, but. I guess he’s acting like himself again.” She confessed. 

“That’s weird. I’m sorry, Beth.” 

“It’s okay. He seems back to normal."

Her phone rang again. 

**alex:** hey beth will you help me with something im super confused

**BETH!** : yea what is it ??

**alex:** im confused why do some people hate spencer reid. 

**BETH!:** alex its nine am youre already watching criminal minds

**alex:** LET ME LIVE BETSEY

**BETH!:** answer: i dont know i wanna hug him and give him some ice cream

**alex:** are you coning over today? someone has to help me take care of johns hungover ass

**BETH!** : maybe. spending some time w the sibs. 

**alex:** ok! i’ll see u later then! love u!!

She smiled over at Angelica, who was looking over at her. 

“I wish we got to see each other more.” Angelica frowned. 

“I do too. You, Peggy, and I all need to hang out more.” Beth replied, fiddling with her nails. 

-

“Alex. Oh my god. I can feel myself coming back to life, holy shit.” John moaned, watching the washer as his binder was being cleaned. 

Alex grinned over at his boyfriend. 

“I know right. It’s one of the best feelings ever.” Alex grinned, leaning over on John’s shoulder. 

“I really like you.” John murmured. 

“Figures. It’s not like we’ve been together for two years.” 

“We were never the most monogamous, were we?” John joked. 

“I suppose. We had that threesome with Maria, and we almost had the thing with Jefferson.  Yeah, we kinda got around a lot before Eliza came and put us in our places.” Alex agreed. 

“Man, we were a mess before Eliza came around.” 

“I know, right.” 

John leaned over and pressed a kiss to Alex’s cheek. 

“I’m kind of anxious to find out what’s up with my memories.” Alex muttered. 

“Alex, I’m not gonna hate you no matter what you find out. You know that.” John murmured back.

“John. I’m scared.” 

“Don’t be, angel.” John replied, linking his hands with Alex’s.  

“How long have you been on T?” John asked after a few moments. 

“Five years or so. I got top surgery about four years ago. Why?” Alex answered, putting his hands in John’s hair, running them through the brown curls. 

“I was just wondering. You’ve seemed a lot more masculine recently. A lot more confident. You’ve just seemed a lot happier, Alex.” John said, leaning into Alex’s touch. 

“Thanks.” Alex whispered.

“I love you a lot you know.” John said. 

“I love you too, John. I wanna sleep now. I’m really tired.  Can we take a nap?” 

“It’s two in the afternoon, Alex. But sure, since I love you.” John replied. 

Alex stood up, offering a hand to John. 

John took his hand and they walked over to Alex’s bed. John crawled in as Alex pulled his t-shirt off, crawling into the bed. 

John lay his head on Alex’s chest, breathing in the scent of his cologne that lingered on his skin and fell asleep quickly. Alex lay awake for a little bit longer, thinking of reasons why they could be acting so weird towards him.

-

Alex woke up to a kiss on the cheek from Beth. John was in his kitchen, working on dinner for the three of them.

“How are your siblings?” Alex asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

“They’re good. Peggy applied for columbia, hopefully they get in. They’ll love it there. ANgelica’s boyfriend is visiting from England, they’re doing well.” Beth smiled.

Alex smiled back at her.

“Good.” 

**ANG:** hey u get home okay

**BETH!:** ya

**PEGGY:):** GUYS GUESS WHAT I HAVE A GF

**BETH!:** i’ve literally been gone for. Like. twenty minutes. + who 

**PEGGY:):** maria lewis(((:

**ANG:** the girl from ur art class????

**PEGGY:):** yea!!!! Thats her!!!!!

**BETH!:** aw!!!!!!!! im so happy for u 2!!

**PEGGY:):** okay im gonna go make dad some dinner i’ll see u guys soon:))

-

John stirred the vegetables on the stove, oil sizzling up at his face. 

“Remember when we got together?” Alex asked from the doorway.

John nodded.

“It was at that equal pay rally, right? And then I ran over you. With my bike. And you just laughed and made a joke about me hitting on you. And then you invited over to your apartment for coffee.” John laughed.

“Yeah, and then we met Beth a few months later. Weren’t we on our Valentine’s Day date? And we found her crying in the arcade at the bowling alley? And it was because she couldn’t win the stuffed animal from the claw machine because she was too drunk?” Alex recalled, leaning against the doorway. 

“You got me the stuffed turtle.” Beth added, walking into the kitchen and leaning into Alex’s arms.

“Yeah. John was a little tipsy that night though, wasn’t he?” Alex giggled.

Beth nodded, and John turned around to the two of them. 

“You guys love teasing me with little things from our past, don’t you?” He sighed.

Beth shot him a concerned look, but he shrugged it off.

“Anyway, the rice is done, the veggies are almost done, and the meat’s done.” John said, brushing off his words from seconds before. 

“Cool. You go chill on the couch, I’ll bring you a plate. You need to rest some. I get that you’re a med student, but I care about you way too much for you to get sick and hurt.” 

**lafayette:** Hey john? U okay? Alexander says you are worrying about something. 

**Jean:** yeah i guess sorry for worrying you laf.

**lafayette:** Never be sorry for feeling things, Jean.

**Jean:** i just dont feel my best right now because ive been thinking about the last thing my dad said to me when i left 4 school this year.

**lafayette:** Which was?

**Jean:** “don’t bother coming home for thanksgiving, we don’t bother with people like you.” 

**lafayette:** I’m so sorry, John. You can come home with me for Christmas when it comes around.

**Jean:** don’t bother, i can’t care for holidays anymore. they remind me of when my mom was around.

**lafayette:** Think of Adrienne and I as your new family, John.

**Jean:** you’re too kind, laf. 

**lafayette:** I will always be here for my friends when they need me. 

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter will be up by monday hopefully!!!!!! i hope u enjoyed


	3. #protect john laurens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re my boy, John.” Beth smirked.
> 
> “You’re my number one girl, Beth.” John replied, his southern drawl creeping through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #pain and suffering, protect john. please.

When Alex woke up the next morning and neither John nor Beth were in the bed, his breathing quickly became heavy as he felt around the sheets for a sign that they were there the past night. 

He stumbled out of the bed and began searching for his partners, stumbling around the apartment in search of even his phone. 

He ran into the kitchen to see a note stuck onto the fridge. 

_ Alex- _

_ Beth and I ran out to the farmer’s market. We’ll be back in a few hours, breakfast is in the fridge. Call if you need anything! _

_ Love, _

_ Your affectionate Laurens _ .

Alex reached for his phone where it sat on the kitchen table, rapidly dialing John’s number. 

“ _ Hey, Alex _ !” John chirped through the phone. 

“John? You’re okay?” Alex asked frantically.  

“ _ Yeah, angel. I’m alright. Want me to come home? I will if I need to, sweetheart. _ ” John murmured into the phone. 

“Please.” Alex whimpered.  

“ _ I’m texting Beth right now that I’m walking home, alright? I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”  _ John. said. 

“Thank you.” Alex replied softly. 

“ _ I’ll keep you on the phone if you like. _ ” John reassured. 

“You don’t have to. Just, please come home.” Alex said, and with a click on the other end of the phone, John was gone.

-

Amost an hour later and John still wasn’t home.

“ _ Hi! You’ve reached John Laurens! I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m out living my life or ignoring your call. Leave it at the beep, thanks! _ ”

_ “Hi! You’ve reached John Laurens! I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m out living my life or ignoring your call. Leave it at the beep, thanks! _ ”

Alex tried so many times to reach John, but nothing happened. 

“Beth?” Alex gasped frantically, calling his girlfriend. 

“ _ Alex? Has John gotten to your apartment yet? _ ” She asked worriedly.  

“No. I’m freaking out, Betsey. Hang on, someone’s calling.”Alex muttered, answering the other call.

“ _ Sir? Are you Alexander Hamilton?”  _ A voice asked. 

“Who is this?” He asked shakily, trying to steady his breathing. 

“ _ Sir, I’m a nurse at Saint Kitt’s hospital. Is your boyfriend John Laurens?” _

“Yes, shit, is he okay?” Alex gasped.

“ _ Sir, he was in a fight and he has been brought into the hospital. We need to keep him for a while, if you would make your way down to the emergency room that would be enough. _ ”

Alex stopped in his tracks.

“ _ Sir? Are you there? _ ”

Alex hung up the call and texted Beth.

**alex:** beth? we have to ge  t to the hosopti ola

**BETH!:** alex? are you alright?

**alex:** be th its skj ogn 

**BETH!:** i’ll have ang pick you up in her car and drive you to st kitts. i’ll meet you there.

**alex:** sta y saf e beth i sk flovee you

**BETH!:** i love you, baby boy. i’ll see you there, hang in there.

Five minutes after Beth’s last text was sent, Angelica knocked on the door of Alex’s apartment. 

Alex opened the door and Angelica pulled him into a tight hug.

“It’s alright, Alex. Come on, you can do this.” She muttered, pulling him closer.

She led him out the door, keeping her arm around his waist as she guided him to her SUV.

The ride to the hospital was silent aside from Alex’s choked off sobs.

“Alex, you know it’s okay to cry.” She said softly, reaching over to touch Alex’s hand.

He flinched away from her touch, turning to face the window.

**BETH!:** hey, baby boy . how are u? 

**alex:** be th im gnot oka y i m so wori ed 

**BETH!:** hang in there sweetie. are you almost there?

**alex:** y es 

**BETH!:** i’ll see you in a few, baby boy. 

Alex looked over at Angelica, giving her the sorriest look he could muster at the moment, and soon they were at the hospital.

Alex rushed in to see a worried Beth, an angry nurse, and a confused Peggy.

Alex fell into Beth’s arms, sobbing into her shoulders.

“Hey, baby boy. He’s gonna be alright, okay?” She reassured him, running her fingers through his tangled hair.

Alex buried his head in her neck in response and Beth kept stroking his hair, helping him ease his breathing.

His breathing evened out soon enough, and he took his face out of her hair and looked her in the eye.

A nurse walked over to their small group, looking around.

“Are Alexander and Beth here?” The nurse asked, her eyes scanning the group.

“That’s us.” Beth spoke up, moving her hands down to meet Alex’s.

“Follow me.” The nurse said, promptly turning around. Alex and Beth followed after her, trailing behind the short nurse.

They walked into a room where John was lying down on a bed, and he grinned.

“Thank you, Martha.”  John said.

“John.” Alex rushed out, running over to sit by the bed.

“Baby boy.” John murmured, reaching out to touch Alex’s cheek.

“What happened? When can you leave?” Alex asked, leaning into John’s gentle touch. 

“I got in a fight with Lee on the street. I broke my nose, I’m mildly concussed, I have a cracked rib, and I might have fractured a few knuckles. I can hopefully leave tomorrow, though.”

“You realize that this is just gonna make you stay home for three weeks recovering, right?” Beth said from the corner.

“I know, Betsey. I was being stupid and he pissed me off.” 

“John, my sweet John. I was so worried, I thought you’d been terribly hurt and I freaked out and I had no idea what I was doing and I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize for being scared, baby boy.You were scred for me, it’s alright.” John said softly.

“How bad is Lee?” Alex asked, looking up at John.

“Terrible.” John grinned.

“You’re my boy, John.” Beth smirked.

“You’re my number one girl, Beth.” John replied, his southern drawl creeping through.

“What was Lee doing that made you fight him? Don’t say existing, please.” Alex said, looking over at John.

“He called you a faggot. I told him to stop. He threw the first punch and I punched back. Figure out what happened from there.” John said.

“John, you don’t have to defend my honor.” 

“I wasn’t going to let him shit-talk my boyfriend of almost three years.”

“John-”

“I care for you too much to not defend you when someone’s talking shit about you behind your back.” 

“John, you know how Alex is. He hates when people get hurt because of him.” Beth said.

“It wasn’t because of him. It was because Charles Lee is a bigoted asshole.” 

-

Two days later, John was home, resting in the bed at Alex’s apartment.

Alex lay next to him in the bed, fingers intertwined.

Beth was in the kitchen making breakfast, it was one of those lazy mornings where the sunlight floods in from the big window by the bed.

John was facing Alex, eyes bright and tired as his fingers crept up Alex’s arms.

Alex smiled as the light hit John’s face, illuminating all of the freckles on his cheeks.

“I want to kiss every single freckle on your face.” Alex murmured, reaching to touch John’s face.

“You know you can stop pretending you find them attractive, right?” John asked, sitting up.

“What?” Alex said, confused. 

“I know my freckles aren’t attractive. I would look a lot more masculine if I didn’t have them.” John said flatly.

“Who told you that?” Alex demanded.

“My father.” John mumbled.

“Henry Laurens is an asshole. A racist, transphobic, homophobic, and sexist asshole who doesn’t deserve his amazing son. I love you and Beth more than I love anything in this life, and I love your freckles just as much.”

“Alex he disowned me.” John blurted.

“What?” 

“He disowned me.” John repeated.

“Are you serious? When?” Alex asked, pulling John close.

“A few days ago, I guess. When I was upset, it was about that. I’ve only told Laf, though.” John mumbled into Alex’s neck.

“John, babe. I don’t know what you’re going to do, but however you retaliate, I’m here for you.” Alex mumbled, leaning down to press a kiss into John’s hair.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do, baby boy. He helps pay tuition and he helps pay bills and I don’t even know what I’m gonna do at all.” John choked out.

“Hey, John. Let’s have a lazy day with Beth. None of us have any classes today, let’s just stay in and watch Criminal Minds and eat takeout.” Alex murmured, and John leaned into him.

“Fuck!” Beth yelled from across the apartment

Alex jumped from the bed and ran to the kitchen.

“You alright, Beth?” He asked. 

“Yeah, sorry. I just burned the bottom of the pot because the burner caught fire.” She said, rubbing the back of her neck.

“How did that even… nevermind. Let’s just order  takeout and watch Criminal Minds.” Alex said, taking Beth’s hand.

“That actually sounds amazing. You’re basically proposing a netflix and chill, right?” 

“When am I not, my dearest Betsey?” Alex sighed, pulling her to the bedroom. 

-

Alex woke up to John laughing at something on the television.

Alex grabbed his pants and put them back on and then turned over to John. 

“Hey,” He said softly.

“Hey.” John replied.

“Hi.” Beth laughed.

Beth and John still lay in their afterglow, and the sweat sheen on John’s freckles made his skin glow, like a newfound youthfulness.

Beth’s smile was large as she leaned against her boyfriends, humming quietly and pressing a kiss to Alex’s jaw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey shout out to Maddie and ray for constantly yelling w me about Hamilton love u my dudes


	4. in the eye of a shitstorm there is quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the hell, Alex? Where’s Beth?” He asked, leaning down and grabbing the bottle from his hands.
> 
> “She left a few hours ago.” Alex slurred.
> 
> “What the fuck happened?” John demanded, pulling Alex up off the ground.
> 
> “Don’t wan’ talk about it.” Alex muttered.
> 
> “I’ll be back when you’re ready to fucking talk.” John spat, walking out of the apartment and slamming the door behind him.
> 
> Alex collapsed back down against the dishwasher and grabbed the bottle where it had been left by John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am So Sorry

John rolled out of the bed three weeks later, fully recovered except for a newfound misshape to his nose.

He walked into the kitchen of his boyfriend’s apartment, expecting to find him awake and functioning, only to find him sitting on the floor,bottle of Vodka in hand, leaning against the dishwasher.

“What the hell, Alex? Where’s Beth?” He asked, leaning down and grabbing the bottle from his hands.

“She left a few hours ago.” Alex slurred.

“What the fuck happened?” John demanded, pulling Alex up off the ground.

“Don’t wan’ talk about it.” Alex muttered.

“I’ll be back when you’re ready to fucking talk.” John spat, walking out of the apartment and slamming the door behind him.

Alex collapsed back down against the dishwasher and grabbed the bottle where it had been left by John.

**Miss Maria Lewis:** hi alexander!

**alex:** come over?

**Miss Maria Lewis:** is this a booty call?

**alex:** yes

**Miss Maria Lewis:** i’ll be there soon.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door to his apartment, and Maria Lewis waltzed in the door.

When Alex woke up in the morning, he had red lipstick stains down his chest.

He felt a pang in his chest once he’d realized what he’d done, guilt pooling in the pit of his stomach.

-

**john <3:** what happened with alexander?

**b:** he was flirting with angelica. i called him out on it and he got angry.

**john <3:** he was drunk when i woke up. he said he didnt wanna talk about it and then i left.

**b:** you shouldnt have left. yiu know how he gets when hes drunk.

**john <3: ** we need to talk face to face, my darling betsey. 

**b:** show up to angelicas in twenty.

**john <3: ** see you then.

-

**john:** we need to take a break.

**alex:** fuck john im so sorry i dont know what i did im so sorry tell. beth im sorry i dodn tmean to do whatever i did fuvk

**john:** we cann talk. but im not making any promises that we’ll be together with beth anytime soon. we can talk when im home, baby boy.

-

**_dearest-comma-eliza:_ **

as i’m sure all of you haven’t heard, i broke it off with one of my boyfriends last night. if you want context, message me off of anon and we can talk about what happened, and alex- unfollow me.

**_#beth speaks, #break up post, #public service announcement, #elams updates, #now just els?,_ **

_ 17 notes _

**_loco-parentis_ ** _ reblogged this and added _ **_:_ **

hey beth im sorry he was such a fuking asshole to you. you deserve better _. _

**_#herc mumbles, #why am i even saying this, #sorry beth,_ **

_ 18 notes _

_ - _

**a.ham|** @alexham: im sure youve all heard the news.

**thomas|** @smackaroniandcheese: @alexham You bet we have!(:

**a.ham|** @alexham: i fucking hate thomas jefferson fuck him

-

**intheplacetobe:**

hey y’all. i figured i should update you on the fact that beth has ended it with alexander on  _ her _ side of the relationship. all three of us are currently working through what’s happening right now. it  _ is _ important to know that i am stil dating alex, even if my girlfriend is not. thanks.

**_#jloz.txt, #alex, #beth, #poly stuff, #important_ **

_ 37 notes _

-

When John showed up at Angelica’s apartment, he was expecting some form of a shitstorm, but not the kind he was given.

“Angelica, he was blatantly flirting with you, you didn’t think it was an issue? You have a fucking boyfriend, one that came all the way from London to visit your sorry ass!” Beth was yelling, tearing her vocal chords as she screamed.

“Maybe I finally wanted to be satisfied, did you think about that? Maybe he told me he could flirt with me because he had cleared up playful flirting with you two, maybe I wanted something for  _ myself _ for once?” Angelica was shrieking back, Peggy sitting on the couch, looking uninterested in their sisters’ discourse.

“Hi? Beth, can we go talk in a private place?” John asked, his voice breaking through the loud silence.

“Shit, yeah. We need to talk this over, you and I.” Beth muttered, grabbing his hand and leading him to a bedroom.

-

**aaron-burr-hate-blog:**

i fucking hate how much i fuck up in my everyday life. i fucking hate how i fuck up in my love life. i love them both with my entire being and ive managed to lose them.

**_#talk less smile more, #update, #poly stuff, #//swearing,_ **

_ 177 notes. _

-

**laf:** Alexander do you need to talk?

**Alexander:** no i need takeout and netflix. 

**laf:** Would you like for Hercules and I to come over?

**Alexander:** please

-

**pegs:** hey alex, maria slept with someone last night. she came to my apartment in tears this morning, reassuring me that it was a one night stand. should i accept her apology or like, break it off

**alex:** i mean, i would accept the apology.

**alex:** but im in the middle of my own relationship drama. i guess its important that she told you first thing

**pegs:** tru. idk y i asked you but. thanks my dude.

**alex:** anytime pegs

-

Alex lay sprawled across the couch, television remote in hand, flicking through channels.

“Mon petit lion, we’re here!” A voice called out after he heard the brief sound of a key turning in a lock. 

“I’m on the couch, being a pathetic human being!” Alex called out. 

“Hello, we brought you lo mein from the place down the street, also a lot of coffee, assuming you’re quite hungover.” Lafayette called, dancing into the living room followed by Hercules.

“You guys are literally the best friends I will ever have, god bless you dudes.” Alex groaned, rolling over and sitting up.

-

“Beth, we have to talk about Alex. I’m really concerned about him. He was drunk as hell last night when I woke up from my nap, and he probably just drank more after I left.” John said.

“Can we talk first about what happened and how he dealt with the situation?” Beth asked, looking John in the eye.

“Yeah. Let’s cover that first.” 

“Okay, so we arrive at Angelica’s place to have lunch or whatever when you were out at that marine biology thing, and Angelica sees Alex. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since like, January, so I would understand a lingering hug or whatever, but he straight up flirts with her. I know how Alex flirts, I know how his mind works, and I know he wasn’t thinking, but it’s already going to hell. Twenty or so minutes later, I’m talking to Peggy and I realized that Alex had been in the bathroom for a while and Angelica was taking a while getting drinks. I walk over to the bathroom to check on Alex and when I opened the door he was leaning in to kiss Angelica. I lost my shit, then. You know? I couldn’t be calm when my boyfriend of two years was about to kiss my sister. I just couldn't fucking do it.” Tears were threatening to spill from her eyes as she told the story, biting her quivering lip.

“Hey, Beth. Come here, babe.” John murmured, pulling her close into a hug.

“I wanna finish the story. After that, I started yelling at him, and we took the subway home, and then when we got home, you were sleeping in our room so we started arguing in the kitchen and he said something about not knowing commitment because growing up he had none, and then I spat some bullshit about how he had none still and he screamed at me and I stormed out and I feel so terrible for what I said but I still stand by it and I just-” Beth rambled.

“It’s not your fault, Betsey.” John whispered into her hair.

“He didn’t deserve half the shit I said to him but at the same time I hate him.”

-

**don’t answer this text:** I know about Maria Lewis, but I won’t tell John or Beth.

**Fuck:** i fucking hate you asshole

**dont answer this text:** Would you rather I tell them?

**Fuck:** youve got no morals you goddamn macaroni fucker

**dont answer this text:** I won’t tell them if you’re at my apartment, on your knees, within an hour.

-

**aaron-burr-hate-blog** :

fuck i just did the worst thing ive ever done im so sorry

**_#talk less smile more, #im so fucking ashamed, #swearing,_ **

_ 5 notes _

_ - _

**fightingfrenchman:**

What has Alexander gotten himself into this time?

**_#frenchiest fry, #alex stuff,_ **

_ 165 notes _

**fightingfrenchman** _ reblogged this and added: _

Every time I make a post like this you guys treat it like a guessing game. This is amazing.

**_#love you guys,_ **

_ 166 notes _

-

“What are we gonna do with Alex?”

“We can leave him to simmer down for like two weeks, but he has a self-destructive personality. He’s just gonna fuck up again.” John reminded her.

“That’s true, but we also need space.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn't go off.” John reassured her.

“I still have you.” Beth said.

“You still have me.” John repeated back.

-

**loco-parentis:**

hey!!! im taking a brief hiatus on this blog, you can find me on my  broadway blog or my  personal blog, sorry this one is taking a hiatus!! love you guys stay safe!!

**_#shut up herc, #important post_ **

_ 4589 notes _

-

**smackaroniandcheese:**

I would say poor Alexander Hamilton but he had it coming.

**_#hamilton trashtalk, #thomas talks, #okay to reblog,_ **

_ 1781 notes _

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment angry things it fuels my already giant ego


	5. "what the fuck why havent you updted in almost three weeks"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just-I’m not used to this. Belonging to someone. Belonging to people. I’m not used to having someone, and I wish I was. But I’m not, and it causes me to fuck up a lot, and I’m so sorry. I never mean to do anything that happens, and I never mean to do half the shit that I do. I love you, and Beth, even if she needs her space.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!! im sorry i havent updated i had a school trip and a lot of standardized testing but im back!!! also this chapter has a small mention of alex/maria okay love y'all (:

The apartment was quiet except for a quiet hum when Alex got home, a loud silence across the apartment. 

“John?” Alex called out.

“In the kitchen, baby boy.” John called back. 

Alex walked into the kitchen, slinging his backpack off of his shoulders.

“Is she mad at me?” He asked softly.

“Yeah. She wants space, Alex.” 

“How angry is she?” 

“She’s pissed, Alex. Why didn’t you tell me what happened?”

“I didn't think you would wanna listen.”

“I always wanna know when something’s wrong, Alex. You need to tell me when these things happen.” John said softly.

“I just-I’m not used to this. Belonging to someone. Belonging to people. I’m not used to having someone, and I wish I was. But I’m not, and it causes me to fuck up a lot, and I’m so sorry. I never mean to do anything that happens, and I never mean to do half the shit that I do. I love you, and Beth, even if she needs her space.” 

“Alex, you don’t need to apologize for that.”

“But I  _ do.” _ Alex said firmly.

“You _ don’t. _ ”

“John, you’ve always had family. My family  _ ended _ when I was twelve and my mother died. Sure, I had Edward and my brother, but I didn’t actually have them. They didn’t get my head like my mom did. They didn’t hold my hair back when I was sick, they didn’t practice French with me, they didn’t know when not to touch me. And I’m sick of it. I was sick of them. So I got off the island. I got out of there, and I’m proud of how far I’ve gotten. But that doesn’t mean I’ve always had someone.”

“Alex, I’m sorry- I didn’t realize-”

“It’s okay. I’m over it.”

“I love you, baby boy. Even if you don’t realize how much I love you, I do.” John said, his eyes going soft at the corners, tearing up.

-

**dearest-comma-eliza:**

not speaking to angelica recently. trust nobody.

**_#shut up beth,_ **

_ 17 notes _

**herculescooligan:**

i am VERY passionate about my love for mulan……….

**_#shut up herc, #i just REALLY love mulan…,_ **

_ 177 notes _

**intheplacetobe:**

ALEX AND I JUST HAD THE CUTEST DINNER EVER !!!! I COOKED AND HE STOOD OVER MY SHOULDERBAND TALKED YO ME AS I COOKED AND THEN AFTER DINNER HE AND I MADE CINNAMON ROLLS AND ATE THEM AND AFTER THAT HE WAD REALLY REALLY GOOD SEX I LOVE LIFE!!!!!!!!

**_#john speaks, #alex stuff, #nsfw ment, #seriously alex gives amazing head, #i came like six times, #im SO gay,_ **

_ 12 notes _

**aaron-burr-hate-blog:**

GUYS JOHN AND I JUST HAD REALLY REALLY REALLY GREAT SEX I CAME LIKE NINE TIMES HIS FINGERS ARE INSTRUMENTS OF GOD

(he was so sweet tonight, he made us dinner and listened to me ramble and then we made cinnamon buns afterward and then i dragged him to my bedroom and we fucked it was SO good!!!)

**_#talk less smile more, #nsfw text, #john stuff,_ **

_ 1677 notes _

-

**b:** hey john hows he doing

**john:** give me like twenty minutes i just had like six orgasms

**b:** so you're doing well then

**john:** shhhhhhhh im trying not to cry

**b:** he’s still good w his mouth then

**john:** YES that boy is great with his words and his tongue

**b:** BYE peggy is screaming in their room because of this show called i made america they want me to watch w them see you my boy

**john:** see you betsey <3

-

John smiled over at Alex, who was fast asleep next to him.

He thought about a lot of things as he lay awake next to his boyfriend.

He thought about the Schuylers, he thought about Alex, he thought about his sisters and his brothers for the first time in a while.

John fell asleep curled into Alex, a picture of intimacy, and didn’t care about what his dad said.

-

When Alex woke up, John was pressing lazy kisses to his neck.

“John,” He said. “I’m hungry.”

“Alex, I’m trying to have sex with you again. Can this wait? I just want to get off.”

“John, I wanna finish our cinnamon rolls. We made them and never finished them and I’m  _ really  _ hungry.” Alex whined

“Fine.” John groaned, slipping off Alex’s hips.

“Hush. You’re acting like a horny teenager with ten minute stamina.”

“Shut up, let’s go eat breakfast.” 

Alex hummed a yes and got out of the bed, following behind John to the kitchen.

-

**alex:** beth? im sorry. i shouldnt have done any of the things that i did.

**BETH!:** space, alexander.

-

Alex rolled his eyes as John leaned against him, laughing at something on his twitter.

“Macaroni fucker!” John gasped, laughing as he rolled over.

“What?” Alex asked, confused.

“Thomas Jefferson got called a macaroni fucker on twitter by Peggy, oh my god.” John laughed.

“Oh my God, show me. I need to see this.” 

John held his phone up so Alex could see his twitter and Alex sucked in a hard breath.

**PEGGY|** @imnamedafteralcohol: thomas jefferson is a worthless macaronifucker

**Thomas|** @tjeffs: @imnamedafteralcohol At least I’m not nated after a drink :-)

**PEGGY|** @imnamedafteralcohol: @tjeffs at least im not denying it lol!

**Thomas|** @tjeffs: I hate margaritas. 

**PEGGY|** @imnamedafteralcohol: okay…… but at least i dont care if my drink is salty(:

Alex huffed out a laugh, leaning against John. 

“Oh my god, Peggy is… My favorite. So relatable.” 

“I know. Okay, so we need to talk. Uh, I’m really concerned about the situation with Beth. You didn’t answer your phone the entire night after I left. I called you a million times, and you didn’t answer at all. You didn’t… do anything or have anyone over, right?” John asked, turning around to Alex. 

“Um. I did.” Alex confessed, looking down at his hands. 

“Who was it? I’m not going to break up with you or anything, I just wanna know.” 

“Maria. Maria Lewis.”

“Alex, you know I have to tell Beth, right?” 

“I know.” He said quietly.

**john:** Alex had a one night stand with maria. im gonna forgive him, he wasn't in the right state of mind at the time, and i really love him.

**b:** i hope he realized how disappointed i am in him.

**john:** i think he does. he started crying when I said i had to tell you.

-

**b:** every action has consequences, Alex.

**alex:** i know. im sorry. 

**b:** dont forget about my space, baby boy.

**alex:** i wont. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello im orry i will update asap


	6. this chapter is just me using my synthestesia to give alex more depth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a muted red color, almost pink but darker, and it was almost comforting.  
> Muted reds washed over bright oranges (which meant happiness) and mellow purples (anger) and dark greens (comfort) but everything was okay because he was used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love alex in this verse protect him please

Beth was staring down at her hands. She was sitting on the edge of the bed at John’s apartment, waiting for him to get out of the shower.

John rushed into his bedroom, wearing a t-shirt and some boxers.

“Sorry it took me so long.” He apologized, running a hand through his soaking curls.

“It’s alright.” Beth smiled, looking over at him.

“The Alex situation.” John reminded her.

“I know. I know we need to talk about it, but I feel like if we just… ignore it… it’ll go away. Like it never happened.” Beth mumbled.

“No, don’t think like that.” John said, taking her hand in his.

His hands were larger than hers, broad palms and long, skinny, fingers. The skin on the top of his hands was dotted with freckles, splotches of dark on light brown skin.

It was always a comfort to have him touching her, whether it was a small, affectionate touch or a rough, affirming touch to bring her back to earth.

“I know we need to figure out a sort of punishment for him. Not a major one, since he told us immediately. He told you right after he told me, it’s only been a few days since it happened, maybe two.” John said, tilting Beth’s chin up.

“I mean. Like you said before, he has a self destructive personality. He’ll fall apart. So quick. And that will hurt us all. It will hurt him even more. So you can’t break it off with him.” 

‘I know.” John muttered.

“This is just. So hard. I thought having both of you would be easy, but he doesn’t realize who he is and-”

“Who he is?”

“I can’t explain this. It’s too hard. I can’t explain this right now. I will later. I promise.” John said.

“No. Explain now. You always brush things off, you say things with a quick promise to explain later but you never do, John. You have to tell me now.”  Beth insisted.

“Fine. So a few years ago, when I met Lafayette, you know, everything was alright. Then a few months later something clicked inside me. I knew I was somebody more. And a bunch of memories came flooding back into my system, I remembered meeting him and I remembered fighting with him I remembered  _ dying _ and I could feel the gunshot wound burning. I remembered too much for it to have just been a dream from a while back. I told Lafayette and he helped me. He told me he remembered what it was like to have the nightmares about the Revolution, and eventually he told me he knew the second he met me. I’m John Laurens. Revolutionary War soldier. Aide-de-camp. Reckless soul.” John said.

“I shouldn’t believe you. But I know what you mean. When I was in high school, I had nightmares. I had dreams about this Creole boy with the writing skills of nobody I had met before, and of a Southern boy with the prettiest eyes and the dreamiest voice. Then the nightmares came. I had dreams of him dying, of him dying in a duel. I had dreams of the Southern boy dying. Shot down on the battlefield, and I met you and I-I knew. I knew who you were, knew who I was, and I couldn’t. It was too much. I’ve kept it a secret for years because everyone would think I’m crazy but-”

“You aren’t crazy, Beth.”

“I know.”

“I wanted to tell you. But in case you didn’t know, he’s our Alexander. He has been all along. I don’t know when he’ll realize but he-”

“I know.”

“How can we make him realize?” John asked, looking over at Beth.

“We can’t, John. I’ve been trying since I met him, but I can’t.”

“But- But I’ve known him longer.”

“That doesn’t mean you love him more.” 

“I know. I just. I might be able to help him more than I have been.”

“John,” Beth whispered, her eyes going soft at the edges. “You know you can’t.”

“I can  _ try. _ ”

It was quiet for the next few minutes.

Beth broke the silence.

It was an uncomfortable silence, one where you don’t know what words will soothe and what will further irritate.

“I wanna try again with him. I know it’s only been a few days but I feel like it would work.”

“Beth, don’t do anything you don’t wan to-”

“I want to, John. I love him so much. He’s one half of my world, with you being the other half. We’ve barely talked since we fought.” 

“Okay. Text him about it.”

**BETH!:** let’s try again.

**alex:** are you sure? i don’t want to if you’re only doing it for me.

**john:** she’s serious, alex.

-

When Alex got the message, he had been lying in his bed. The sheets were in the wash. It was a sad kind of day. One where he wanted to lie there for a whole day and melt into the mattress, sadness swallowing him up like a puddle in the summer heat. 

Sadness was a familiar feeling for him. 

It was familiar growing up with nothing around him. With nothing for him. Sadness was his comfort, he turned to it because nobody was there for him.

But now he had them.

The sadness was still washing over him.

But his sadness wasn’t blue.

It was a muted red color, almost pink but darker, and it was almost comforting.

Muted reds washed over bright oranges (which meant happiness) and mellow purples (anger) and dark greens (comfort) but everything was okay because he was used to it.

They would ask him for his colors and he would reply with the words but he didn’t feel better after telling them, he felt worse.

Eventually his breathing would get heavy and they would talk him out of it.

Long fingers. Tan skin. Freckles. Curls.

They calmed him down.

**BETH!:** hey baby boy whats your color today?

**alex:** red 

**BETH!:** want us there?

**alex:** yes.

Alex closed his eyes and when he opened them again, Beth’s fingers were in his hair and John’s hand was on his back.

“Red,” Alex muttered. “Red red red red red. Stop it. Stop touching me.” He hissed, writhing away from them.

“Too much?” Beth asked softly.

“No. Nightmares.” Alex whimpered. “Hair.”

Beth placed her fingertips back at the roots of Alex’s hair and squeezed softly.

“Like this?” She asked.

Alex nodded.

“Arms.” 

John skimmed his fingers over Alex’s arm and he hummed peacefully.

“You good?” John asked shakily.

“Yes.” Alex curled into them, humming with every touch.

“What’s your color now?” Beth asked.

“Blue.”

He was comfortable and he felt loved. Which was good.

Eventually John got up to make dinner and it was just Alex and Beth.

“Did you know,” Beth started, “That I love you more than you understand?”

Alex hummed in response, leaning against her.

“Alex? I need you to answer a question for me.” Beth prompted, running her hands again through Alex’s hair.

“Yeah? What is it?” 

Alex was getting nervous.

Yellow.

“What do you think happened to your memories?” She asked softly, pressing a kiss to Alex’s forehead.

“I don’t know. It came after my nightmares started I think.”

“Nightmares?”

“They were of me dying. And of John dying. And of us leaving you alone.”

“Alex, they weren’t real.”

“They were, Beth. They felt almost like. Memories.”

Beth’s face fell.

“B? Did I say something? Did I do something you didn’t like? I’m sorry I-”   
“No. You didn’t. I just. I need a few minutes to breathe.”

Beth got out of the bed and walked to where John was in the kitchen, wringing her hands.

“John, he’s starting to remember. And I know that the memories are gonna hit him soon.”

“Beth, we can’t protect him from everything. As long as we’re there for him when the downfall hits is enough.”

Alex had nightmares that night. He was red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PROTECT THEM ALL!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope u enjoyed the suffering i'll post more later cool okay


End file.
